NATURE CALLS

Doctor, I swear I heard it with my own ears…. And recently this has been an on going thing. Periodically I hear voices emanating from my pants. No, it is not alcohol or drugs. At first I just couldn’t place them, but I do hear voices. They’re calling out “hello, hello, hello….” And they’re coming from my pants.

The last time it happened was last night. For twenty eight years in Atlantic City there has been The North East Regional Mortgage Bankers Convention
I’ve been to almost every one.

Same old same old, but like a lemming to the sea, I must go….

Fatter, grayer versions of people I’ve known or done business with for almost thirty years get to see that I am still alive and in the business (although also fatter and grayer, but I do still have my own hair --- unlike some). More business suppliers show up every year, selling a greater variety of the same shit to a larger number of companies vying for a smaller share of the home loan business…

I listen to people that assure me that there is no bubble, and others that assure me that when we meet again next year there will be a lot less of these companies in business after the bubble breaks.

Same stuff for the last twenty eight years, but this is the first year that my penis spoke to me. Yes, Doctor, and with my wife’s voice….

Back to last night, after my annual glass of beer at a convention reception, (ok, two, but they were small), social, party animal that I am, I left those wild and crazy mortgage bankers to their party scene (after all it was 10 PM) to go to my hotel room and read (that’s my story and I sticking to it). Now beer doing what it does, upon return to the room, I headed for the bathroom, and I began to do what men do when beer does what it does.. .

And then there it was …. my wife’s voice…” HELLO, HELLO, HELLO”… emanating from the open zipper in my unzipped pants. This is too much. I know that after 33 years of marriage some couples finish each others sentences, they dress alike, they even begin to look alike, but when Mr. Johnson speaks with my wife’s voice it’s time to seek help….

It all started when I bought a Blackberry, great for e-mail, but a shitty phone… Cumbersome, and the disconnect button’s in the wrong place, so I’m always hanging up on people. So I got a Bluetooth to go with the Blackberry. This makes it a more colorful, but still shitty, phone. Now the big button on the Bluetooth, when pushed, will recall the last number called on the Blackberry. So instead of accidentally hanging up on people, I accidentally call people. Dutiful and faithful husband, having already checked in with the Mrs. while on the way back to my room, her number was now on top of the list. While maneuvering into position, I must have pushed the button.

After finishing the task at hand, (no pun intended) I fished the Bluetooth out of my pocket, whereupon my wife says, “you were going to the bathroom, weren’t you?” Shitty phone, but a great microphone on that Bluetooth.

All I have to say is, as long as I have a Bluetooth in my pocket, I’ll be keeping my pants on….