I like this blog thing. These postings can't all be rants, or can they?

So what is the deal with the Olympics? I can't say I totally hate them, I do find the curling absolutely mesmerizing, but I also like to listen to grass grow while watching paint dry. I call that multi-tasking.

I love it when NBC plays that music. I feel that grand old "spirit of the Olympics" surge through my loins. But I bemoan the lost traditions of the Olympics. And I feel that the The Olympic Committee (whoever they are) should try to more faithfully re-construct the current Olympic Games to uphold those traditions. The games should try to be just like the ones from the old days. Every four years the ancient Greeks stopped everything, even the wars between their city states. They got their best, strongest men into a field and began throwing spears and stones and running and jumping and wrestling. . . I'm breathing hard just thinking about it. But if you recall the only remaining graphic depiction of these games, the decorative drawings on a few, rare, un-shattered Grecian urns, you will note that those games, unlike these games, were played in the nude.

I can say on behalf of all the Olympic purists, such as myself, that is the only way to have a true Olympics. So, let the games begin!!! Wouldn't that add an exciting, new dimension to the modern day games? All these young, virile men and women (women were originally excluded from the games, except for some sacrificial virgins, but I'm willing to bend on this) cavorting through their respective sporting events in their birthday suits. Imagine naked guys on their luges hanging on for dear life, trying to minimize wind resistance; naked skaters doing their camels. (Don't the Bedouins do their camels? Or Is that a summer sport?) The naked skating pairs with the men effortlessly supporting their partners over their heads! All that cold air magically enlarging some, yet shrinking other, body parts! Carrumba!!! Why not?

Assuming that the Olympic Committee could raise the minimum age of Olympic athletes from “the onset of puberty” to eighteen or so, this idea could really catch on. Then only one other problem would have to be overcome – funding. The days of the amateur Olympic athlete competing for the love of the sport was a casualty of the cold war. Those Godless commies inducted every promising athlete east of the Iron Curtain into the Red Army and produced the greatest professional “amateurs” the world had ever seen. So caught up by the concept that superior athleticism proved the superiority of the Communist system, the Olympic Committee not only had to check for performance enhancing drugs, but they also had to check for penises on the East German Women’s Swim Team. (If my concept were adopted this problem would also be easily resolved.) But not to be outdone, the west fought back using the power of Capitalism to crush the Evil Empire. Corporate Sponsors to the rescue. Training camps and equipment, supported by voluntary public donations (.5%) and donations from interested patriotic corporations (99.5%), can crush bankrupt socialist governments!

Let’s see – a united Germany, Mann und Mädchen (boys and girls) marching in goose step sporting Porsche and Mercedes logos neatly tattooed over their hearts on their muscular chests --- Sleek Italians featuring Maserati logos on their well formed upper arms – well muscled Swedish shoulders sporting Saab logos – Americans with so many products to choose from could have a rakish Nike swoosh on the ankle, a Polo logo on the left breast, a McDonalds' logo on a nice round butt. By the way, don't get any ideas, I've already approached Oscar Mayer, and they agreed, but only for the summer games . . .